Thank you for your patience and understanding! As yesterday was Good Friday, for those who do celebrate, I didn’t want to take any limelight from the day! I hope this blog is worth the wait.
I’m going to just speak to you guys like we’re friends at this point since you know all my business! 💁🏾♀️This blog is going to be so difficult to write because I feel like I have so much to get through. I went through so much, mentally and emotionally, transitioning into motherhood. It was after I had my baby when I decided to make a blog page, to share my lows with the world, as a way to vent.
Im going to start off by saying sorry. 😞 I lied to you all. If you follow me on Instagram, then you would have seen my reveal picture of bubba’s birth with the caption “I fell in love on the 15th December 2020…”. Guys, that was a lie. Really and truly, I said that because you know, it’s what you’re supposed to say right. 🤷🏾♀️To be honest, as I mentioned in my last blog, I didn’t get that rush of in love feelings. Of course, I knew that I loved my baby, but I don’t know, I just didn’t get all gushy inside. Like you’re “supposed to”. I didn’t get that feeling maybe until Zion was at least a month and a half. This may come across as selfish, but I just had so much going on in my mind, I felt like I didn’t have the capacity to love my baby in the way I was supposed to. In case you were wondering, nothing in particular happened. I didn’t necessarily have a traumatic experience (besides actual childbirth), everything was “normal” and healthy.
On the 15th December 2020, just after I had given birth, my mum, my partner, myself and this brand new human I had just pushed out of me were recouping after the recent events. Those moments after felt surreal. Just a few hours prior, I was pregnant; and now I had my bump laying in my arms. It was overwhelming to say the least. Nothing felt real while I was still in the hospital.
Doing skin to skin was such a beautiful experience, it really did help with our bonding process. I know scientifically it’s supposed to help with a number of things, such as:
Calms and relaxes both mother and baby
Regulates the baby’s heart rate and breathing, helping them to better adapt to life outside the womb
Stimulates digestion and an interest in feeding
Regulates temperature
Enables colonisation of the baby’s skin with the mother’s friendly bacteria, thus providing protection against infection
Stimulates the release of hormones to support breastfeeding and mothering.
Of course, as we were doing skin to skin, it was a good opportunity to breastfeed. I don’t want to properly get into how latching went, because I want to dedicate a whole post to breastfeeding and so on. But I will say that Zion seemed to latch on quite well, so everything went smoothly in that area. Thank God 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾I was planning on breastfeeding for at least a year, but I do know that some women aren’t able to make that choice for a number of reasons, so I was super grateful for that.
Just after I had given birth, I remember a midwife trying to get me to get a catheter. After all my research, I was certain that I was staying well away from that! ❌(A urinary catheter is a flexible tube used to empty the bladder and collect urine in a drainage bag.) Plus, as I expressed in my previous blog, my underneath just needed to be left alone now. So the midwife told me I needed to wee by myself for her to leave me alone. “Alright, cool, no big deal!”. It was definitely a big deal! Again I don’t want to get into it too tough because I’ll address all the physical changes in my next blog, But. THE. PAIN. FROM. URINATING. My gosh. 😭
The nurses were regularly popping in to make sure that everything was all good with both myself and baby, so that we could be discharged from the hospital the same day, however upon one of the checks, she found that Zion had a heart murmur so we had to stay the night so he could be checked again after 24 hours of his birth.
“A heart murmur is an extra or unusual sound made by the heart. It is usually the sound of the blood negotiating its way around the tight bends inside a young child’s heart and resembles a “whooshing” or “swishing” noise.
Heart murmurs are very common in babies and young children. In the vast majority of cases the heart is working normally and there isn’t anything to worry about.
In fact many young children have heart murmurs and neither they nor their parents will ever know anything about it.
Occasionally though, a heart murmur can be linked to a problem with the way that blood flows through the heart, or a structural problem with the heart. Even if an underlying problem is the reason for a baby’s heart murmur, there is treatment available. A heart murmur very rarely proves fatal.”
I had to say goodbye to my mum, partner and sister (who sneakily came to see me and her new “nevew”), as my new plus one and I had been wheeled to the maternity ward. 👩🏾🍼I arrived at around 6:30 pm and made myself comfortable in my bed for the night.
To be honest, being on that ward didn’t feel nice at all. I felt like I was just dumped there, just after the most traumatic moments of my life. When I asked for warm water after ringing the call bell, I was told that in future if I needed water I needed to get up and get it by myself. Now I don’t know if I’m being extra or even spoilt, but COME ON!! I just gave birth!! 😓Am I asking for too much, The nurses on the ward were super noisy as well, there was no consideration for the patients. Banging, stomping, talking loudly. Not only that, but there were babies crying and mothers snoring (of course that wasn’t anyone’s fault but sheeeesh!!). I just wanted to be at home.
I wasn’t feeling like a mother at that point, it just felt like I was looking after a newborn baby (though I’ve never actually done that). I didn’t get much sleep that night, not only because of the noise but because I had set myself alarms for every 3 hours so that I could feed this dependant bubba. I didn’t mind though, he needed me.
The following morning came and I was excited to get back home, to be greeted by my friends, family and my bed! 🛌 I had expected the doctor to come and check baby’s heart for 8 am… but it seemed that I was forgotten about!! We weren’t seen and discharged until around 1 pm, which was annoying. The doctor finally told me that the murmur had disappeared and that Zion was fully healthy and ready to go! It’s fair to say that my experience on the maternity ward was nothing like being in the birth centre, but it did allow me to establish some time alone with my baby without any interruptions.
When we eventually arrived home, it was so lovely. I was greeted with balloons, gifts and a nicely decorated bedroom, to welcome myself and our newcomer.
After reaching home, everything began to blur.
I don’t think I was suffering from Postnatal Depression, just a mild/medium case of the baby blues (which is completely normal, apparently). As everything was settling, it had dawned on me that I didn’t actually get any closure from being pregnant. I know technically labour would be that, but everything happened so fast, it was so intense. There was no time to really process the fact that I wasn’t going to be pregnant anymore and that that was the end of that particular chapter in my life.
My mum and sister were absolutely amazing during the early days (and STILL ARE). My mum would message me in the middle of the night to see if I was up, soo that she could assist me if needed. Then when I was able to express my breastmilk a few days in, at around 4/5 am, she would come down and take baby Zion, allowing me to have a couple of hours of rest. And then my sister, as soon as she woke up, would come down and stay with me for the day, in case I needed anything. She would make me food, change bubbas bum, sorted out my laundry. ABSOLUTELY AMAZING! 💐 Because I really needed the help.
During the first few weeks, I reckon I cried every day. I was so overwhelmed by what it was that I had become. A MOTHER. Do we all know the roles and responsibilities a mother has? It definitely isn’t a job to be taken lightly. At that time, I really doubted myself. I remember crying to myself one night, wondering if I could love this perfect little creature the way he needed to be loved. Then another night, crying with guilt. How could I be so selfish to surround this angel with confusion, a life with a lack of stability and security? It was so hard. I really hated when everyone would leave me and baby alone during the night, I was left alone with my thoughts. During the day, I’d manage because I was distracted but the nights were scary. Sometimes I would experience scary/intrusive thoughts,
“Scary thoughts are images and voices that seem to come out of nowhere. They feel foreign, out of character, and can be very stressful. For new moms, scary thoughts often include accidentally—or intentionally—harming the baby. For example, some mothers report bathing their baby and suddenly thinking, What if I just walked away for a minute? Or even, What would happen if I put her head under the water?
These thoughts are not what most of us associate with early motherhood, but for many women, they’re a reality. They’re called “intrusive thoughts,” ideas that feel like they are invading your brain. Intrusive thoughts are a common symptom of postpartum depression and anxiety. Surprisingly, over half of the new mothers report having them.”
I don’t even know how to talk about that. But I know that it’s something that should be spoken about more because it was frightening. I knew loved my baby boy but mentally I felt so unprepared. I was honestly feeling like my mental health was in no state to be a mother. At the time, I didn’t speak about it because I was ashamed and scared of what people would have thought of me. And I still am, to be honest, but the possibility that I could help someone out there makes it worth it to be open.
Writing this blog was not easy at all. I don’t think I even realised how much of a dark place I was in until writing this. Even looking back at pictures and videos of my baby, is making me so emotional because I feel like I didn’t love him as I do now. I was so in my head, that I didn’t properly appreciate how perfect he is. I don’t have any regrets because I know that I couldn’t control what was going on, I just wished I was more prepared for these things. Hence why I created this blog page. To help the next mum out there.
Just for everyone’s peace of mind, I am doing so much better now. My situation/circumstance hasn’t changed much but I am so doing better. Those thoughts and feelings, I would simply put it down to my hormones stabilising again. But I’m doing good. Me and my little prince. 🤍
Again, feel free to comment or send me a message or question if you want to! I’m open to conversation. I hope this blog has helped someone if they have or are going through anything similar. Or even helped those surrounding new mums, in understanding what some of us go through because I definitely didn’t comprehend how any mum could avoid that in-love feeling before having my own baby. It’s more difficult than you would imagine.
Signed,
A Young Mum
x
Next post up, Friday 9th April… promise!